Rant.

 Assalamualaikum..

This morning, my eldest sister was coming to the house (she had a leave from work) because she asked me to be her chauffer for some errands. While I was upstairs in my room getting ready to go out with her, she had an argument with my mom about my older brother. I didn't know but then my sister was texting me from downstairs and told me about it. I was not surprised really because that particular topic has been wrecking havoc in our household for quite some time. As always my mom would take my brother's side and defended him, all the while being angry at my sister for trying to cause unnecessary drama. I was smirking when my sister told me that because I kinda expected that reaction from my mom. She's been taking my brother's side for as long as I can remember, and nothing can change that, even if my brother was at fault. 

I felt like I just had to bring my sister someplace else to cool down, so we went to the café to grab some breakfast and have a private chat. She was still fuming with anger but eventually she managed to cool down a bit after getting some food in her stomach. Food never cease to fail in making people mellowed down a bit. I figured my sister just needs an outlet to let off some of the pending anger towards my brother, and I did vent on my part as well. After an hour or so, we went to the grocery store and bought several things.

Once I dropped off my sister at her place, I went to the laundromat to dry my clothes. While I was waiting there, I suddenly remembered that today was my close aunt's birthday. I called her and we talked for a bit on the phone. After almost an hour, I finally went home, and just in time for my usual video call session with SDJ. It was actually the highlight of my day really because looking at his face makes me feel so happy 😊 and then we proceed with our usual voice call and watched a movie and several episodes of a show on Netflix.

We often talked for a bit after that, but I had to cut it short today because my bestie wanted to pick me up and have dinner with me. So after saying goodbye to SDJ, I got ready just in time my bestie arrived in front of the house. We went to the local restaurant nearby and had our dinner. It's been a while since we last went out together, so we started talking nonstop. As she slowed her car in front of my house, before I got out of the car, she asked me if she could hug me before I go. I immediately said yes, and proceed to hug her tightly 💖

After taking a shower, I was doing some sewing for my Japanese Knot bag. I can't wait to finish up all of my WIP, and started posting them online for sale. Hopefully I can start my side business as soon as possible. Wish me luck!

Heartache.

 Assalamualaikum..

I’m feeling melancholy at the moment, thinking of E.A.H. (my acronym for the Mexican guy). I really miss our sweet chats  and voice calls and movie dates on Discord. He’s quite busy nowadays with work, so we hadn’t really been doing any of that lately.

However, he did tell me that he’s been hooking up with several girls from Tinder recently and it really hurts me deep inside. I mean, I’m pretty sure that NOBODY is okay with the person that they really like has been hooking up with some other girls. I appreciate him telling me all that but it still hurts nonetheless. 

Well, we have too many differences between us anyway and it sucks BIG time. He kept on saying that if things were different and we live near to each other, he would’ve want me to be his girl. To be honest, I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I keep telling myself that things will never worked out between us, but my heart hurts so bad..

I wanted to tell him all this but I’m afraid that he’s not gonna talk to me anymore if I do that. I know it’s twisted but I’m still yearning for him.. so stupid, right? 🙃

Why can’t I find someone who genuinely likes me and wanting to get to know me better? I just want to have someone to call my own, someone who understands me and my weird personality. Someone who won’t his turn back on me whenever I’m not feeling good about myself. Someone who is patient with me and accepts all my flaws.

Is that too much that I’m asking for? Maybe I am destined to be alone forever..

XO

Hurt.

 Assalamualaikum…

As I’ve predicted, it’s all seemed too good to be true when everything seemed nearly perfect a few weeks ago. Turns out he’s not really that into me. Hahaha jokes on me though for always falling for a guy who’s got cold feet when I showed my slightest interest in them!

I’ve grown quite tired and weary though. I mean, for how long should I be in this talking phase without moving on to the next phase? It’s always been like that. I just wish for once that a guy would approach me first and stayed being interested in me without the feelings fade away over time. I mean, am I that horrible to love? Is it such a bad thing to fall in love with me?

Maybe I should focus more on trying to be a better person, instead of waiting for some guy to see my worth for once. To truly see me beyond my ugly face and somewhat okay personality. I mean, I’m not really a terrible person. I often smile to strangers and I think I’m nice enough when I’m with my friends and family. Maybe I need to improve a lot more on my social skills, since I’m quite an introvert.

As for that Mexican guy, I’ll continue being my accommodating self to him for a while. I mean, I’d slowly stop sending him a certain emoji and just send a neutral emoji instead, totally masking how I truly feel about him. It really hurts me inside when I don’t get the same energy that I’m giving. That’s the problem though; I’m expecting something from him when in fact, I should just let things go with the flow. Maybe I should do that starting from tomorrow. No more expecting any reciprocate feelings from him because I know it will never happen anyway.

Surely my happiness is the main priority here. I mean, I’ve been putting other people first, so I think it’s finally time to start putting myself first for once. If people can’t seem to take it, it’s totally fine by me. Only then will I know their true self. It’s better this way though, so that I can weed out any fake friends from my life.

XO