Ramadan Kareem.

 Assalamualaikum..

Alhamdulillah, today (or rather, tonight) marks the first taraweeh prayer for this year's Ramadan. I'm so grateful that I get to perform the prayer, after some years not being able to do it.

Even though I am very excited for this meaningful month, unfortunately some not-so-good things happen as well in my life, or to be exact, my love life.

Where do I start?... it's been close to 3 years now that I'm in a long-distance relationship with someone from Reddit. It all began when I posted about me wanting to find my one true romantic connection on the subreddit #ForeverAloneDating and I've had several people replying back to that post. There was this one particular reply that I got that stuck with me somehow, and long story short, I'm right now in a long-distance online (for now) relationship with that person. He is a very kind man, very respectful, and not that hard on the eyes too (we've exchange photos).

Everything went as smoothly as I had wish for, but as much as I wanted this happy ending to happen, it may not seem that way anymore.. which sucks big time because I've come to love this man wholeheartedly. Perhaps I'm just a fool, desperately wanting to have someone to call my own, that I was willing to sacrifice my own heart, just for the sake of being with someone.

Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I deserve to get my heart broken into a million pieces. Mind you, this is my first time of being in a relationship with someone, romantically. He claimed that I was being unfair to him, that I somehow not treating him the same way that he has treated me. He kept on mentioning that our time difference too is making it harder for things to work between us. He also said that I haven't been understanding and patient for him, when he has been understanding and patient with me. It really broke my heart hearing him said that. It was as if I was being very unreasonable and impossible for him this whole time..

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. I've been numb and I have been in an auto pilot mode these past few days. I really, really, really wanna talk to him and ask him how he's doing and what he's been up to but it seems like I can't do that anymore. I know he's busier now since he has started talking again with his sister, and she wanted to help him get a decent job soon, but can't he at least reply to any of my texts? It's as if he hasn't had any free time whatsoever in his days to check his phone and read my texts. When I brought up that issue, he got super defensive and said that I accused him of cheating on me or that I didn't trust him. I was feeling very hurtful to hear him say that, or the fact that he raised his voice when he told me all that. I couldn't do anything except to just cry when he started talking about all those hurtful things to me.

Now my head is hurting from all the crying. I've taken some meds but it doesn't seem to help. I was thinking of going to bed early tonight but I keep on remembering all those hurtful things. I know I was in the wrong too, that perhaps I was being unhealthily clingy towards him, and that I haven't given him more time to adapt to this new situation that he's in at the moment, but it still hurts. I can still texts him like I used to, but I really hope I can handle myself from being overly sensitive when he didn't reply straight away.

If I'm being honest with myself, it's as if I can't even voice out my hurtful feelings or concerns to him anymore. Because then he would interpreted it the wrong way, and somehow it would always ended up with me being the one to blame for all that. He was never like that before, so I was confused as to why he would do that to me. Hence the reason why I feel like something is off somewhere but I can't say that to him because then he would accused me of not believing him, or trusting him, or not being patient and understanding with him.

I am mentally exhausted and drained because the miscommunications and misunderstandings don't seem to end. I really hope that the both of us could truly turn a new page and put this on the back burner. Oh I just remembered that he kept on saying that I keep on giving him the third degree. I didn't know what he meant by that but I have googled the meaning, and truth be told, I'm very shocked. I don't think I have ever questioned him aggressively about things, but from the way he was saying it, kinda makes me feel like I've committed a grave sin towards him. Wow.. just... wow.

I should really go to bed soon, it's getting late now and I need to wake up early for suhoor. All I can do now is pray to Allah that He would ease everything for me, and give me a peace of mind and rationality to deal with all these things. Amiinn..