Hurt.

 Assalamualaikum…

As I’ve predicted, it’s all seemed too good to be true when everything seemed nearly perfect a few weeks ago. Turns out he’s not really that into me. Hahaha jokes on me though for always falling for a guy who’s got cold feet when I showed my slightest interest in them!

I’ve grown quite tired and weary though. I mean, for how long should I be in this talking phase without moving on to the next phase? It’s always been like that. I just wish for once that a guy would approach me first and stayed being interested in me without the feelings fade away over time. I mean, am I that horrible to love? Is it such a bad thing to fall in love with me?

Maybe I should focus more on trying to be a better person, instead of waiting for some guy to see my worth for once. To truly see me beyond my ugly face and somewhat okay personality. I mean, I’m not really a terrible person. I often smile to strangers and I think I’m nice enough when I’m with my friends and family. Maybe I need to improve a lot more on my social skills, since I’m quite an introvert.

As for that Mexican guy, I’ll continue being my accommodating self to him for a while. I mean, I’d slowly stop sending him a certain emoji and just send a neutral emoji instead, totally masking how I truly feel about him. It really hurts me inside when I don’t get the same energy that I’m giving. That’s the problem though; I’m expecting something from him when in fact, I should just let things go with the flow. Maybe I should do that starting from tomorrow. No more expecting any reciprocate feelings from him because I know it will never happen anyway.

Surely my happiness is the main priority here. I mean, I’ve been putting other people first, so I think it’s finally time to start putting myself first for once. If people can’t seem to take it, it’s totally fine by me. Only then will I know their true self. It’s better this way though, so that I can weed out any fake friends from my life.

XO

Slightly.

Assalamualaikum..

It’s been a while since I last wrote in here. Should’ve posted everyday about what’s been happening, but I guess I’m just too lazy 😅

On the 27th of September this year, I sent a message in regards to a post in Reddit about this one guy wanting to make new friends. He’s from Canada but he’s actually Mexican. He migrated to Ontario when he was 10. He immediately replied back and things been wonderful ever since. He’s a very nice guy and we’ve been talking nonstop every single day. I mean, we do have that 12-13 hours difference between us but it’s actually quite convenient because when I’m working during the day, he’s asleep and vice versa. So we don’t really disturb each other during work. We even had movie dates before; streaming Netflix via Discord.

However, these past few weeks has been a bit strange. He’s been calling me sweetie and I’ve been referring to him as honey, because I’m starting to like him as more than an online friend. And I thought he’s been feeling the same way. But yesterday he told me that he’s been talking to this one other girl (she’s in Canada as well but not in Ontario), and he said that he wanted to ask her out when she’s coming to Ontario in a few weeks from now. Not gonna lie, it really hurts me inside but luckily we’re so far apart that he can’t see it.

I mean, I should’ve known better that it’s never gonna happen; me and him. We have too many differences and sooner or later, he’s gonna get bored. I know he will. That’s what always happens whenever I’m attempting to get to know a person that I’m attracted to.

A part of me really believes that I need to truly love myself first before I could love someone else. But every time I look in the mirror, I often hate what I see. I know it’s a bad thing to downgrade myself constantly but I can’t seemed to help myself. I do think that my journey to self-love is going to take a while. I really really really need to love myself and accept me for who I am deep inside. Only then I’m capable of being in love with someone else. Wish me luck!

XO

Pensiveness.

 Assalamualaikum..

Hello, it's me again. Hahaha obviously it's gonna be me since this is my personal blog LOL! Just wanna write a few things about what's been happening these couple of weeks.

About the update on Mr. R the other day, well I think it is safe to say that the ship has sailed away, without any proper goodbye. I mean, I should have seen it coming, right? Because all of it was too good to be real. Most probably he was just bored at the time and I happened to cross his path. Silly me, because I should have never formed an attachment to a perfect stranger. Yeah, lesson learned indeed!

So for now, I wanna focus more on my work and improving myself. If I happen to come across a potential candidate, then I'm just gonna take it slow and steady. No more expectations on whether it's gonna work out in the end or not. No longer gonna bother myself with all that. And that's the way it should be in the first place.

I mean, being selfish for the sake of my own mental health is better than torturing myself with unnecessary dramas. I did cry a bit last night because I was pitying myself for being so gullible and naïve. But no more. I wanna start living for the sake of me.

I hope I can get through it and succeed. I can get distracted easily and look where it got me so far. Gonna learn self-restraint and start loving myself. InshaAllah the right person will come, it's only a matter of time. Until then, just gonna stay fabulous and do what works for me.

XO

Expectations.

 Assalamualaikum…

Hello, it’s me again. I know I’ve said that I’d be updating my blog entries every 2-3 days a week but apparently I couldn’t keep up with it 😅 However, today’s post is not really about the updates on my crochet projects. Rather, it’s about wanting to pour my heart out. So please bear with me, okay?

Recently I’ve started chatting with this one foreign guy. Let’s call him Mr. R. I knew him from a chatting site that I sometimes frequent (yes, I like chatting with random strangers when the mood strikes). He was a bit different from other guys because he had never asked me about dirty, perverted stuff. He even respected the fact that I’m a Muslim (he’s Catholic but started learning earnestly about Islam, Alhamdulillah). He said that he was questioning about God’s existence when he was 17 and found that Islam is the only religion that seems to have all the answers to his questions.

I was impressed by his effort to learn more about Islam (hopefully it’s true). So we continued our conversations on another, more secured platform. To be honest, I was quite attracted to his personality shown from the way he’s talking to me. I felt really comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings to him about anything, really.

However, he’s quite busy with studies and work to have a chat with me these past few days (he’s a fourth year law student, interning at one of a law firm in New Jersey). I totally understand that because that’s his priorities in life, even before he met me. But somehow I feel a bit sad since I really like talking to him, despite him being 9 years younger than I am 😱

Two days ago, he contacted me saying that he was so sorry for not being able to chat with me due to his very busy schedules. I was so happy to hear from him again and accidentally burst out saying exactly what I really felt at the time 😳 I thought he would slowly backed away in awkwardness but nooo, turns out he said he felt the same way about me.

I was like, wow this kind of thing never really happened to me before. It seemed too good to be true, and frankly I wished it was true. So we continued being open and honest about our feelings and stuff. But me being an emotional overthinker, there’s this nagging feeling saying that I should not be so blatantly honest with him. I mean, people can say and be whatever they want online.

So, I started having doubts about him a bit. I still send him messages and all but he hasn’t replied yet. But I left him long messages saying I was glad I met him, thanking him for being a good friend and all. Hopefully he will read them soon. It’s kinda sad if he turns out to be fake though. I mean, I felt good conversing with him and it felt like I can trust him.

Here’s hoping that he will reply back to me asap. I don’t want this good vibe between us to die because of a vicious lie being told by a perfect stranger. Oh well, guess I have to wait then 😐

XO

Crocheting.

Assalamualaikum..

It’s been a long while since I last wrote in here. InshaAllah I will try to update my blog once a day or once every 3-4 days. It’s not like I’m super busy with my work/personal life, more like I tend to forget to write down some important stuff that’s happening.

So yeah, hopefully starting with today’s post, I can continuously write my thoughts in here. Here it goes..

As for today, I’d like to write about the things that I’m currently into. You can actually guessed it from the title hahaha. Yup, I’ve rekindled my passion in crochet. I used to love doing crochet, making beanie hats for my nieces and nephews, and scarves for my mom. But now I’m trying my hands on making cardigans and drawstring bags.

I just followed the tutorials that I’ve found on the web. 

For the drawstring bag, I followed Melanie Ham’s tutorial on her blog: Drawstring Crochet Bag Pattern - Star Stitch

This is my very first still-in-progress drawstring bag; yellow and khaki in colour

For the Harry Styles cardigan, I followed Elviona Halim’s tutorial on her Youtube channel: Crochet Patchwork Cardigan | Harry Styles cardigan inspired

This is the start of the cardigan that I’m attempting to make: Harry Styles cardigan

I guess that's all for today's entry. I'll try and make a new post tomorrow about other things. As for the progress of both crochet projects, I'll be sure to update them in here soon InshaAllah. All the best to me!

XO